A lot of it is disappointment, knowing that I will never be enough for them no matter what I do. knowing that I will never get what I want without begging.
Knowing that no matter what, all my achievements and all that I am will be crushed, worthless under the endless admonitions and harsh words.
Sometimes, my mind ends up thinking that maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one who's at fault.
I'm the caustic one who is selfish and deluded into thinking that I am worthy of something, that I am worthy of love- of praise and affection.
They prove this wishful belief wrong though. at every turn of the way.
I will never be loved unconditionally.
I will always come second or third or last. There will always be their own ego, selfishness and delusion and their seemingly never ending love for the world before the option of
us forming any real connection.
I know this.
Yet, I hate when, like a child, I still get my hopes up. that maybe just maybe, they’ll give in. they’ll See me. and love me. but That isn’t possible. We’re too different. I'm too different. But even at times like these, I am fiercely glad that I am. I never want to be like them.