It’s a peculiar relationship that I have with failure.
I didn’t win today. There was an ideathon that I really worked hard for. Coded for. I really put effort into it, you know?
I thought that the interview had gone well. And although I didn’t show it, I secretly hoped that I’d win.
I kept checking the posts of past winners. Thinking back to the interview. Kept checking my mail for updates until it became a habit. I suppose there’s no need for me to do that anymore.
And I know it sounds like no big deal. But this was one of the first competitions where I put real effort, per se.
I didn’t really put any effort or work into anything. Not in my exams and even coding, for that matter. It came simply enough to me. Although I suppose I have been avoiding what was really difficult for me.
I’ve never put in effort — true effort —for anything. But for this I had and so I hoped, you know? It’s natural to work and to hope that you get rewarded for that work in equal measure.
But life doesn’t work that way. I know this. I KNOW. But yet, I am only human, and so I feel upset and hurt and wronged now.
I begged and begged the universe to let me win this. I needed a win, I told the universe. I suppose the universe thinks I didn’t deserve it yet.
Actually.
That’s a lie.
I just wasn’t good enough.
There were better people. We as people struggle with this. We like to think that we are the best, or at least good enough at what we do. And when that isn’t the case, we struggle to accept it. We rationalize it.
I had really thought I would win. I was wrong. I didn’t win.
And that’s alright. I’ll be alright. I have to be alright.
I have to take this as fodder to grow. To be better. To not settle into what is now my version of mediocrity. (Ha. Easier said than done.)
But it’s alright for me to be upset too. And sad. And hopeless. For now. If I don’t let myself feel my emotions fully, I will never learn.
The Bhagavad Gita says that one should perform karm (work or tasks) without getting attached to success or failure.
It says: “You have a right to perform your prescribed duty, but you are not entitled to the fruits of action.”
Krishna says that we can only control our efforts. Not the outcome.
What a freeing thought. What a depressing one.
But he is right. The wisdom is sound. I can only control my actions, not what the world does. So. I will be alright.
I suppose I have a long way to go yet. All in good time.