So my sister suggested that I talk to him and get this out of the way. If he was interested back, Great! we would talk but if he wasn't, I would atleast get him out of my system and I could move on with my life.
Hence, I planned to ask him just before the family trip I was about to go on. We even had a few days of holiday in that time period. If everything went well, then we could've talked in peace over the course of those few days and if he rejected me, I would treat that vacation as a sabbatical and come back refreshed.
I am a person who cannot head into something without thinking it through. I have plans on plans on plans. So you best bet I spent hours googling how to ask someone out and talking to ChatGPT about different scenarios and preparing a script about what to do if he sad yes, if he said no, if he said he needed more time, etc etc.
On the day of, I was very nervous. I'd decided I would ask him in lunch so that if he needed time, I still had the rest of the day to give him time. But I was constantly fluctuating and tethering between whether I should ask him or no. It was nerve wracking.
But I remembered what my sister said to me. This wasn't about him. It wasn't about whether he liked me or he didn't. It was about me. And my ability to be confident and put myself out there. Even knowing that I could get rejected and it would hurt and feel like shit, and do it anyway.
I had to learn this lesson or life would teach it to me later in much more painful ways. Atleast here, the stakes weren't as high and I could control almost all of the factors. But if I did not learn to take a step forward for myself and do this, I wouldn't do it ever.
And if nothing else then, For Myself I would. I would brave the darkest nights and the very depths of fear itself for myself. I owed it to the me of the past and to the me of the future to try. I owed it to the me of now, too.
So I told the common friend of ours to call him out and when S came, I told him:
"I've noticed you in class and I'm interested in you. If you don't mind, would you like to talk?"
The convo went smth like this:
Me: “I’ve noticed you in class, and I’m interested in you. If you don’t mind… would you like to talk?”
S: [a little surprised] “Yeah, sure.” He gives me his number. “That was really brave & sweet of you, by the way.”
Me: “Thanks.”
S: “But… I should tell you something. I’ve been talking to this girl from run club. But she doesn’t really believe that guys should just be friends with girls unless they wanna date them.”
Me: “Okay… and what do you want?”
S: shrugs “I mean, I find her attractive.” pause “I mean your're pretty too, I find you attarctive too.” another pause“Have you dated anyone in college?”
Me: “Yeah.”
S: “What happened?”
Me: “He wasn’t a good person.”
S: “Huh. All the people I’ve met so far have been really nice.”
Me: ell, People wear masks, you know.”
S: “Yeah they do”
Me: “So… what do you wanna do?” (at this point I was getting impatient & confused. It seemed like he was indecisive and didn't know what he wanted. So i asked him clearly again
S: “I think I wanna date her.”
Me: nods slowly “Then I don’t wanna talk to a guy who’s talking to another girl.”
I smile, thank him for being honest and leave.
He was confused, I could see it in the way he spoke, like he wanted to talk to me, but also not.
That girl from the run club, I’m almost sure she was stringing him along, the kind who keeps someone close just enough to feel wanted, but not enough to commit. If someone else asked her out tomorrow, she’d probably just turn around and say he was the one who wanted more, not her.
It’s a convenient way to save face, I’ve seen girls do it before. I don’t know what their equation really was, but it already felt messy and I didn’t want to step into that kind of mess.
I could’ve still said yes, talked to him, waited for him to realize he liked me — and honestly, I’m confident enough to believe he would have, eventually. But what if he didn’t? Then I’d just be wasting my time on someone who was already half somewhere else. And beyond all that, there were differences him being Jain, me not, the way we live, the way we think. It was better to stop it right there.
I respect myself and my time enough to not spend it waiting for another person.
Initially, it stung. That ache of not feeling like enough. For a moment, there was this urge to seek validation somewhere else, to prove to myself that I was still wanted, still seen. But I caught it before it could take root and shut it down.
Then the negative voice changed, it wanted petty revenge. Something to make myself feel better.
Make him regret it, it said, make him wish he hadn’t passed you up.
But the truth was, he hadn’t really passed me up. If I hadn’t said that I wouldn’t talk to a guy who was interested in another girl, we probably would’ve kept talking. So, in a strange way, I’d rejected myself.
And yet, watching how those thoughts unfolded, it was oddly fascinating. Like catching myself in the act of healing and hurting at the same time.
I'm glad I did this though. It was a good learning experience and now I'm confident that I can handle myself in situations of rejection and discomfort. So all in all, a successful endeavour.
I got rid of whatever lingering feelings of interest I had. Accepting or rejecting me may have been his purview but healing myself and detoxing myself from harmful things is mine. And I aim to show up for me everyday.
Gotta love yourself to live right? :)