I ended a friendship yesterday.
You know, for all that people don't like each other, where I come from; they rarely say it. Everyone manages to maintain this mask of 'politeness' and 'modernity'.
Everyone but me it feels like.
I know that I have somewhat of a no nonsense personality. In comparison to today's generations, I am very serious and not humor-oriented. I tend to have very strong opinions and I defend them fiercely.
This is not to say that I do not listen to people when I am wrong. I try to analyze and see if it is me who truly needs to improve and change almost every second of the day.
It's a terrible dichotomy; being so confident
and anxious at the same time.
I defend myself fiercely because without it, I would have been forced to fade away. I would have been forced to bury and taught to hate very vast pieces of myself. I have been called a monster because I was different (quieter and less interested in socializing which is a very imp part of the culture in India) more times than I can remember now.
But, I digress.
The point is, that I seem to be this cold person who draws lines or boundaries too hard. And I think it is a good thing but I know that I come off as emotionless and a robot, basically.
Recently, about a month ago near the end of June I started talking to this guy. We were both very interested in religion and cultural and philosophical discussions. Let's call him R.
We struck up a good rapport. We talked to each other a few times everyday, and they were always really good conversations.
After a few days, I could SEE the guy falling for me. And you know, I was interested in him too. He seemed mature and God-oriented. He was in ISKCON (which I thought a lil weird but if he was happy who am I to judge?). So I decided I would wait. and get to know him better. See if we had a future (I only date for long-term, preferably with marriage in mind).
In my last relationship, the guy who I thought was respectful and kind was not. He was dismissive and entirely too convinced of his own greatness. And he swore at me.
I.
You DO NOT insult the people you love.
It's fine if its a joke between the two of you but he clearly meant to insult me. He pushed my boundaries all the time. I dated him for only a month and while he had seemed charming at the beginning, it was like a mask had come off.
I cut him off as soon as it got too much for me. I am not here to handle his disrespect.
But basically, after him I decided that I would only go into a relationship with someone I'd known for atleast 3-6 months. And known in like a deeper sense. A person whose origins, motivations I became familiar with.
Time reveals everything. And even masks, I have found, speak the truth with what they hide. One only needs to spot it.
I conveyed this to R. Made my boundaries clear and all. It seemed like he was willing to wait (He was definitely ready to flirt lol). Initially all was well. In fact (after no small persuasion), he even broke the ambigiuity and confessed to me.
Apparently he was 'in love'.
Only problem was, he had a rose-tinted view of who I was and our situation.
He looked down on me. Not in an obvious sense. Not in a sense that was obvious even to him. But you know? the small ways. The jokes, The talks. It showed.
The guy was rich alright. He was a third gen construction business heir. So he looked down on the people who worked jobs. ( Although he didn't have a shred of independence in himself)
The guy believed in god and scripture and preached openess but was one of the most close minded people I've ever met.
The guy ate only veg food and judged those who didn't, harshly.
In fact, he said to me, that if we were to be married, I would have to give up my food i.e, non-veg eating. Because of his family who was also pure veg. And I would 'marry into' the family right. He was not willing to stand up for me for all his declarations of 'love'.
Communities in India have their own, often very different practices and cultures. This guy's ancestors were pure veg. But for me, in my village, there is a practice of sacrificing animals to the Mother Goddess who is a
fierce protector of humanity; Bhavani. Some cultures in the north and east offer meat to their gods.
My point is, different people have different things they believe in and Hinduism respects and allows ALL to coexist within it. But this guy. He said that "The people who eat non-veg came up with this concept of offering
meat to god as a way to excuse their urges which they couldn't control".
which, WHAT THE FUCK.
Dude managed to insult and put down generations of traditions and devotion. And when I asked him from where he was getting the confidence to say this; his reply was: My Scriptures.
Our discussion went on a lot of different topics and he was giving me the most out of pockets answers. He was being so close minded and just...Insufferable.
He was a good person in the sense that he didn't go around hurting other people but as a future partner for me, he was atrocious.
I rejected the guy. Told him that we would never work out. Told him that we didn't need to be friends if that hurt him. He took that option.
Why? Must I change myself so vastly, contort myself into boxes so that I could fit in his version of love? Never once did he say that he accepted me for who I was. All that I am.
It took me a lot of pain and suffering to get to who I am today. I am proud of this person. Why must I distort myself for someone who cannot even stand up or think for himself?
He was controlled by his family, his scriptures and his judgemental attitude in ways that even he did not understand. Worst part was, that he didn't want to get out of this or want to change it.
And you know, I considered it seriously; giving him a chance. Giving up what I eat, marrying into the system of a Joint Family. Giving up my space and privacy to adjust to his way of life.
I projected this changed version of myself 10,20 years in the future.
And I couldn't recognize her. Worse, I didn't like her.
Because if he was asking these huge sacrifices of me NOW, he would ask for even more in the future. And for a guy like him who couldn't draw boundaries properly, his family would soon interfere.
I grieved the friendship that we had for a little while. He was genuinely a person who I thought was interesting even if his POV was more close minded than mine.
I like listening to people's POV's uk? So I do feel sad about that.
But I ended the fate where I would end up as his obedient little wife with my own two hands. If someone truly loves you, they will love ALL of you. All the dark and shameful pieces too.
It just sent me thinking about life and choices. Maybe if I had decided to be with him, my life would've been completely different now. Maybe I killed off a multiversal timeline by making the choice I did.
But I am sure of my choice. But I wonder, how many friendships end because of some misguided and misjudged attempt for romance?
That is all. Goodnight.